Am I an Abuser?
Am I an Abuser?
A Real Conversation About Narcissistic Traits
One of the most common and painful questions people ask themselves after conflict or relationship breakdown is:
“Am I the problem?”
“Am I abusive?”
“Am I a narcissist?”
If you’re asking these questions sincerely, that alone matters more than you may realize.
First, let’s clear something up
Having narcissistic traits does not automatically make someone a narcissist.
In fact, every human being has narcissistic tendencies.
Yes, everyone.
Traits often associated with narcissism include:
Being selfish at times
Telling lies (big or small)
Feeling jealous or threatened
Operating transactionally (quid pro quo)
Feeling entitled or resentful when expectations aren’t met
These behaviors exist on a continuum, not a binary.
The key difference between a narcissistic personality structure and the average person is degree and frequency.
Frequency and intensity matter
Most people:
Act selfishly sometimes
Lie occasionally
Get jealous under stress
Feel entitled when overwhelmed or hurt
But they can usually:
Reflect afterward
Feel remorse
Repair relationships
Adjust behavior over time
With narcissistic patterns, those same behaviors:
Happen frequently
Feel justified
Are repeated across relationships
Become rigid, not situational
It’s not about whether a behavior ever happens.
It’s about how often, how intensely, and whether anything changes.
One of the biggest red flags: lack of ownership
A core trait that separates narcissistic patterns from ordinary human defensiveness is this:
Lack of ownership in conflict.
In healthy relationships even messy ones, most people can eventually say:
“I shouldn’t have said that.”
“I was defensive.”
“I see how I hurt you.”
“I played a role.”
Narcissistic patterns often look very different.
Instead:
Every conflict is someone else’s fault
Accountability feels like an attack
Apologies are rare, conditional, or performative
There is constant justification, deflection, or reversal
The narrative often becomes:
“You made me do this.”
“This wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t…”
“You’re too sensitive.”
“Everyone agrees with me.”
Lack of insight is another key marker
Insight is the ability to look inward and ask:
“Why did that reaction hit so hard?”
“What part of this is mine?”
“What does this pattern say about me?”
People with strong narcissistic defenses often lack this internal curiosity.
Not because they’re evil—but because self-reflection feels unsafe.
When shame, vulnerability, or emotional responsibility feel intolerable, the psyche protects itself by externalizing blame.
Everything becomes:
Everyone else’s behavior
Everyone else’s tone
Everyone else’s intent
So… am I an abuser?
Here’s an important truth:
People who are genuinely abusive or narcissistic rarely ask this question with openness.
They ask:
To prove someone else wrong
To gather ammo
To dismiss accountability
People who aren’t narcissistic ask this question because:
They feel confused
They want to grow
They’re afraid of hurting people
They are reflecting on patterns, not defending them
If you can:
Acknowledge harm without collapsing
Sit with discomfort
Take responsibility even when you feel justified
Feel genuine remorse
Be curious about how your past, stress, or trauma shows up
Then you are doing something narcissism actively resists.
A healthier question to ask
Instead of:
“Am I an abuser?”
Try asking:
“Where do I struggle with accountability?”
“What patterns keep repeating in my relationships?”
“What reactions of mine feel outsized?”
“Can I hold my pain and my responsibility at the same time?”
That space—where discomfort meets self-honesty—is where healing lives.
Final thought
We don’t grow by pretending we’re perfect.
But we also don’t grow by branding ourselves as monsters for being human.
Growth lives in the middle:
Awareness + responsibility + willingness to change.
If you’re here, reading this, asking yourself hard questions—you’re already doing the work.
And that matters.
