Dating is difficult, and women are not interested in coaching/training/directing. This is understandable; however, we already know that in our culture, men are not talking to each other. Therefore, someone need to fill guys in on what women want.

Here’s a few tips from my years of experience as a therapist, a woman, and a friend to many women:

1. No dick pics. For the most part, women are not interested in seeing that appendage. Generally, women are not visually stimulated, and in addition, women do realize that photos are not always accurate. If a woman wants to see what you have going on, she will let you know. In the beginning, women want sex as much as men (most of the time). These types of photos are not a good intro, and sending them is not recommended unless someone asks. 

2. Women do not owe you anything. If you choose to take a woman out, please understand that you paying for dinner does not mean a woman owes you anything, including a kiss. Now that being said, I can understand men getting upset and feeling used; fair emotion. Now, I could go on a long rant about all the “unfair” things women go through with men, but that would be far too long. Instead, I will keep it general. In general, it is not advised to give and expect something in return. If you give, do it because that’s what you want to do. If it works out, I’m sure you will get rewarded; however, it is a gamble and a risk you have to be willing to take in advance. If you know you’ll get resentful, then find a free or cheap first date.

3. Warm up to sex is important. Because women tend to not be visual, having a build up to sex is usually important. When you first meet someone, often times kissing will do the trick, but after some time of being with someone, usually more is necessary. Beyond foreplay, which is of course advised, setting the mood is helpful. Music, lighting, touching, lingerie, lotion, a clean space…these things help prepare a woman’s mind for a sexy time.

4. Be gentle. Be gentle with your tongue, your words, your hands, your movements, and your expectations. In general, women do not like being gagged with a tongue, jack-hammered in the bedroom, or teased and made fun of consistently. Men tend to talk to women the way they talk to their guy friends. Women are not your bros, no matter how cool they seem. Men also tend to behave aggressively sexually, and that is generally a turn off for women.

5. Be sure the woman is enjoying your time together. Consent is asking for permission to move forward in a sexual engagement. This should be common knowledge, but sadly it is still not happening. It is important to get consent before you get started, and throughout the time of engagement, especially if you are changing things up and doing something different. In addition, a man should be checking to see if there’s a position or act she prefers or enjoys more. Sex is often over when a man climaxes, and that seems to be due to a lack of communication and concern for a woman’s pleasure. In an ideal world, men would be concerned with a woman’s pleasure even outside of the bedroom. 

Women tend to want to take care of men. Call it our nature. Call it our socialization. Whatever the case, women tend to give back when efforts are made; people tend to give back when efforts are made. A secret to romance is creating pleasure for the other person, whether that is through fun experiences, small joys, sex, etc. It behooves us to come out of ourselves and do something for someone else. Men, ask your girlfriends, they will tell you!